Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
