omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
