i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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