First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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