All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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