Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
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I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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