Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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