I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
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Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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