I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
high people should be assigned attendants
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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