Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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