Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
