dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
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i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize