Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
