I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
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If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
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We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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