The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
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I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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