Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
