dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
