your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize