I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
