after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
