I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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