There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize