You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
