I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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