Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
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Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
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are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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