His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
