Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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