I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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