my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
