I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
