seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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