The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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