Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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