I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize