hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
