i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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