btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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