My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
