Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
