I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I smell stomach acid.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
