I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
