Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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