If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
