Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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