I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
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i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
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Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...