I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat