Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
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Watching her eat just hurts me
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it