No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.