i was born a porn star she said
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
