If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
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