God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
