Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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