Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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