my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.