I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
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Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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