the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
